Just got this in the mail from those fine folks over at the Shoreditch Golf Club and thought it should be shared with the Protein° massive. It's got news about their upcoming international events and as well as details about how to apply for this year's tournament. Nice. SGC's new website is up and running. We have moved the url to www.sgcgolf.com  because no one ever guesses a .info address. You can still get there by www.urbanopen.info if you want. Go for your gums. There's only an entry form for Shoreditch at this point. We'll let you know about the others as they're done. Sorry for the wait. We know you've been gagging for it. It took far longer than anticipated. ***Quotes of the week*** "The great thing about things taking longer than expected is that it's warranted for the celebrations after to be directly proportional to the amount of work done." Warren Ptera, Acting Club Captain "All people who smoke rollys are more cultured" Mozart Rafferty, The Griffin, Sunday "All people who drink Guinness think they're know-it-alls" Mozart Rafferty, The Griffin, Sunday Following our last tournament: "More well organized than my wedding. More fun than my mum's funeral" Michael (winner of nearly every caddy award) " Well the Grif did alright out of that!" Billy ----------------------------------------------- Parrish News - Strictly Business <<>> Most of you will not yet know. We have an Acting Club Captain taking the place of Dr. Sanchez while we, the_committee, review the current situation arising from Dr. Sanchez new found fame. Dr. Sanchez has been taken to task about several incidents where he was uncovered as being a media whore and exploiting his position and social standing amongst large groups of unknowing west end girls. This would usually be looked on lightly except that there is expected to be a baby boom of yellow track suits around April. We had to put a stop to this activity as a 'mini me' of Dr. Sanchez is highly unpalatable. Please feel free to email us photos (photoshopped or not) of any incidents you have witnessed where this could shed light on his behaviour. Wanted: Women's Club Captain (not for Dr. Sanchez) for our ensuing Women's Section. Application by humour. We just want more girls to play. The Women's Club Captain will be responsible for writing a small section of the Puttmail to the theme of their choice. Paid by increased social standing with some club perks. (It's amazing what we can get out in the puttmail without Spank Daly adding his usual smut... This one we thought he'd REALLY go to town on) That√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s what you think! She also needs to have dark hair, blue eyes and a penchant for dressing up in a McDonalds uniform and asking if I want fries with my shake. Spank (Bollocks) :) Spank Stop press: New Women√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Club Captain selected. To: Jamie Oliver. Jamie, We have been asked by our Cape Town affiliates to ask you to play in their tournament. In fact they are bloody insisting. We have heard that you are thinking of opening a 15 in Cape Town and feel a great connection coming on. You might even be able to sponsor the 15th! This of course doesn't mean you'll get immediate entry into the tournament here at home this year. You'll have to enter like the rest of us. To: Banksy. Banksy, If Jamie doesn't get this message, can you pass it on. We know he was going to do Volauvents for one of your shows. <<>> New Men's and Women√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Club Captains for 2005 Men√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s - Warren Ptera (aka 'The Misguided Idiot') Women√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s - Babe Didrikson Zaharias (aka 'Babe DZ') Wicked fashion label Duck and Cover have signed up asw sponsors for the next Shoreditch tournament √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú more details to follow. SGCI 5 There's another bar being built in the ground floor of the old Brick Lane Music Hall (which is actually at the top of Curtain Road). Rumour has it! It√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s owned by Soho House and will be a private members bar. We thought we'd let you know just in case they try and cover it up like (also rumour) Bluu on Hoxton Square is owned by the Fat Cat Cafe chain. Babe DZ was upset because she thought it was going to be a Vodka Revolution. Ch ch check this out: http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3And this: http://www.davidmccandless.com/funny/applestore.htm In two weeks time we hope to have: *Tuna's top ten tips on how to win the tournament* Tuna? Step up to the mark.... ----------------------------------------------- ***The Men√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Club Captain√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Warren Ptera*** Hello readers! This is the first time I√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve ever had such a big audience. Today I√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d like to tell you about the threat we find ourselves under at the moment. I am taking this prime moment, while I have an audience, to tell you something we should all be not only wary of but, for our own safety must eradicate. Terrapins! They√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢re bloody everywhere! You may think that these small aquatic brothers of the √¢‚ǨÀúheroes in a half shell√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ are harmless. Well they actually are far more dangerous than our fun loving kung-fu dudes from Hollywood. You have to remember that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a figment of some American creatives imagination. Terrapins are REAL. I have found out, not only that they stink, spread salmonella and they√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve got their heads up their arses; they have been conspiring to take us over, they are the micro-foot-soldiers of evil. I have information that the government know about the threat as I have been told of the arrest if 15 terrapins at a checkpoint just outside Basra. As far as I can work out, they have been developing WMD in the guise of mobile Hot Dog Stalls in the aim of weakening the links of the true governors of this country, party people. I will let you know any developments on this situation. People, we must crush them! Warren xx PS David Ike is really just a weatherman. ***Wildlife, Flora and Fauna*** Greenkeepers secrets - bought to you by Joe Swift, AKA Swifty, the presenter of Gardener√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s world. If you want your own piece of turf to look like the lush weed free green sward at the 18th at Atlanta, this is the time of year to forget about the pub just for one Sunday afternoon -it√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s OK, don√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t worry, if you√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve a small lawn you√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll be back in time for your roast dinner- and get out and give it a good going over. There are plenty of techniques we scratch gardening pro√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s like to use such as √¢‚ǨÀúscarifying√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢, √¢‚ǨÀúaerating√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ and √¢‚ǨÀúhollow tining√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ and if you think that √¢‚ǨÀútop dressing√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ was what you did on a Saturday night out on the pull down in the √¢‚ǨÀúditch then your obviously a novice in the art of greenkeeping. If you want your bents and fescues (otherwise known as the grass bits) to win and the plantain, birds foot trefoil and moss (otherwise known as the weed bits) to lose the closely fought matchplay, the approach is simple but you√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll need to a little more than just flake out stoned on your lawn on a hot summers day. The much favoured 2005 organic approach involves digging out each weed by hand, which may be hard work, but only needs doing a couple of times a year. Keep your mower well sharp, to keep the grass short, but not scalped, and over time this will keep all the big weeds off your turf for good. √¢‚ǨÀúAerating√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ means sticking a garden fork (for those garden virgins this is not the one you eat with) into the lawn as if it√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s a big fat sausage and your pricking it for the oven. Do this all over as it√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll get the air round the roots of the grass to help it grow better and stop the moss. <<>> At the first sign of spring do your self and your garden a real favour and get down the DIY shop and get yourself some goddam chicken shit! It√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll be called √¢‚ǨÀúCocky√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ or √¢‚ǨÀúCluckie√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ or something naff, and will probably come in a pelleted form. Mix it up with water in a watering can (go easy as its strong stuff) and sprinkle it all over (throw it on your plants too whilst your at it). As well as the nitrogen turning your lawn a lovely healthy looking dark green the reek is absolutely guaranteed to piss your neighbours off for a day or two, so my advice is to try and coincide it with a night or two out of town. Ps. all those with an Astroturf roof garden in the √¢‚ǨÀúditch, this is the time to get the hoover out! Simple as that. ***Travel Section*** **Journeys with G** Clerkenwell After a few pints and watching the football at the Pride of Spitalfields I thought I'd take a trip up to the Dragon to see if anyone was there. Needless to say I fell asleep on the bus. Upon waking I felt the desperate need for the open fire and calm Sunday music of the Dragon. Dazed and bewildered from my long sleepy journey, I felt for the button and bundled off the bus. This is what I found. The wind had taken a slight north north westerly. The motion was a seamless surge which soon settled to a smooth lapping in my stomach as I realized I had realized I had reached a place not visited by any of my fellows. A place talked about infrequently called Clerk-en-well. Within a few minutes I found my self surrounded by people wearing Rectangular glasses with five Sunday papers under their arm. I had vague memories of being warned to take a wide berth may years ago. Apparently it is most dangerous when the tide is out, and of course the tide was now indeed well out. Even the visually offensive Wetherspoons was closed. I found myself finding slight solace in the Jerusalem Tavern. I may as well have been in Jerusalem. Much better than Clerkenwell. Next episode, G visits Islington. ***Book Review*** To start the season off we have chosen 'Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife' Price √Ǭ£17.99 Bill's our mate so no dissing him please. Thanks for the mention Bill! (page 142, second Para). We reviewed this book over and over again and decided that it is in fact a book. You never know what deliberate misinformation you might get off some websites. This book is in fact a unique item on the bookshelf as it is the only book on our shelf, until Warren took it to get the mud off his spikes. We took the book out in the ditch to see if it worked. It weirdly had both positive and negative affect. We found it affective in the fact that we could only watch. As soon as we got close enough to interact we found it made everyone run a mile. Hmmm. Bill, how about titling it the ' Pollyanna Oddie Reviews Nature? We suggest you abbreviate it, it's a bit of a mouthful but far more appealing to the local wildlife. The best we can do is give you what it said on the back cover: "In this month-by-month guide, Bill Oddie and his producers, Stephen Moss and Fiona Pitcher, present a refreshingly straightforward approach to help you and your family to watch wildlife. By following some of their simple pointers, you can enjoy Britain's rich variety of wildlife, without going on any wild goose chases." Rich variety of wildlife? We've seen those in the ditch too. Usually in the Tabernacle Bar. Nice. ***Bringing you Agony*** ***Uncle Spank*** Dear Uncle Spank, I have been married to my adorable wife for 5 years. I cannot believe that she is unhappy with our marriage, everything seems fine to me. Anyway, to the point. My wife said she was going to see her mother on Saturday morning. When I rang her mother to ask my wife (she never hears her mobile when it√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s in her handbag) where I had put my monkey wrench, her mother told me [anon] wasn√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t there. I√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m worried my wife is playing around. Eagerly awaiting your advice. JLH, Shoreditch Spanks reply: Primate discipline is incredibly important in building a man / monkey relationship, and developing the trust and respect that you would expect from a pet of any species. I√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d recommend you severely admonish your simian on a regular basis to keep its anger in check. Dear Spank, I have a monkey. Regards AJ, Shoreditch Spanks reply: Golf is an all inclusive sport, now being played by √¢‚ǨÀúall√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ up and down the country. The fact that she hasn√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t told you that she√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s going to be knocking into a few holes may say more about your own boorish and dated attitudes than her secrecy. I bet she√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s a right bloody goer too, isn√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t she? I love women golfers, me √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú there√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s nothing better than seeing a gaggle of birds shouting √¢‚Ǩ≈ìget in the hole√¢‚Ǩ¬ù. Oh, it makes me dribble. For more advice, call my helpline: Young girls with O and A levels willing to learn more. Thanks for your opinions Spank. These opinions are not necessarily the views held by Shoreditch Golf Club, but, we understand. Spank, we really think you√¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve got those answers the wrong way round. The_committee Shoreditch Golf Club www.sgcgolf.com